I see two lives: one where I have children and one where I do not. In both lives, I wonder what the other would have been like. If I do have children, I wonder if I will be capable of forming a closer bond with them than I have with my parents. I wonder if I will feel my personhood being chipped away at, begrudgingly replaced by motherhood. Such an irreversible, permanent act scares me far more than it soothes me. If I do not have children, I wonder if I will have missed out on the sacred milestone. I wonder if my friends will treat me differently, or if friend groups will become segregated between mothers and non-mothers entirely. In both instances, I will be isolated—judged for my decisions along every step of the way. My parenting will be critiqued or my freedom will be despised.
On one hand, I associate maternity with the ultimate sacrifice of freedom. One becomes a mother over a woman or human. I do not know if this is something I want for my life, because I cannot bear to lose the independence I have so meticulously crafted. On the other hand, perhaps having a child is the most divine exploration of humankind. I imagine raising a wonderfully brilliant force of nature with wild hair and robust opinions. But maybe that is just me. Maybe I am the child I seek to raise, and I can brush her hair and tell her nice things. Maybe a need to bring someone else into the matter is selfish.
It always feels like by my age, most women know if they want to be a mother or not. In discussions I’ve had with friends, they are either swooning at the idea or vehemently rejecting it. I find myself confused that such a polarizing notion does not polarize me. I am stuck right in the middle, seeing the truth on both sides. I guess there is no real issue to be resolved now, other than the possibility that one day, there will be a man in my life and two roads diverting further and further, until I can no longer stand in the middle. Until I can no longer see the truth on both sides.
As women, regardless of the choices we are presented with, we are damned if we do and damned if we do not. There is no correct answer. Society may regard motherhood as a higher calling, but we must never base our decisions on this, especially not those regarding bodily autonomy. Instead, our guidance must come from inside, and the ramifications can suit themselves so long as we are honest and true. So long as whatever decision we make, we are prepared to roll up our sleeves and deal with it.